F@&K You Sports! Part 1: "The Vancouver Grizzlies"

Hi there sports fans, Bai here.

I hear an awful lot of complaining by people around the internet who claim to be the most snake bitten sports city.

With great respect to my stable mate Chad and his fellow Clevelanders I have everybody beat.

Sure, the Bynum fumble left a bruise, and LeBron's decision was kinda like having your wife leave you for a career in MILF porn. But that's nothing compared to what I've gone through.

25 years, 0 championships, 3 finals, 3 teams re-located.

Here's is Part 1 of a 5 part mini-series titled "F&@K You Sports!"

PART 1: THE VANCOUVER GRIZZLIES

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR! No seriously, RAWR!

Prior to the NBA's brief fling with Vancouver I was a die-hard Sonics fan (more on them later). But with a pro team coming to my fair city I jumped on that bandwagon in all it's teal and brown glory.

The next 6 years were spent watching this:

1995: 15-67
1996: 14-68
1997: 19-63
1998: 8-42*
1999: 22-60
2000: 23-59

*strike shortened, because we have a fair and just God.

For all you math aficionados out there that is a combined 21.5% winning percentage. Just remarkable consistency.

But the records just don't do the parade of misery that was the Vancouver Grizzlies justice.

Teal

From their vomit-enducing jerseys (nothing says Basketball like Native American art!) to a draft record that would make the Clippers twitter "@VancouverGrizzlies WTF!? Really?” I still wake up every day thinking that Aston Kutcher and David Stern teamed up to play the world’s biggest practical joke on us.

After 6 years of what can only loosely be labeled 'basketball' the NBA and owner Michael Heisely put the Grizzlies out of their misery, and moved the whole franchise to Memphis.

High Points: The 1st game. Benoit Benjamin scored a team high as the Grizzlies beat the Trailblazers 92-80. After that, it was a rapid descent into the bowels of sucktitude.

Also, the day the team moved was pretty sweet as it freed me up to do more productive things, like watching Simpson's reruns.

Low Points: Too many to summarize without a book deal. The Grizz couldn't even name their team right. Owners originally named the team 'The Mounties" only to have the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (those horseback riding cops with funny hats) sued to block them from using the mounties name. In response they changed their name to "Grizzlies", most likely because they knew bears don't have lawyers.

A good place to start looking at the Grizzlies parade of failure is looking at their draft record.

Pictured: Basketball pesonified

Season 1: Drafted Bryan Reeves with their 1st ever draft pick. Reeves was a chubby, crew-cut sporting, 7 foot tall farm boy from Oklahoma nicknamed "Big Country"; a pedigree that would be excellent if he were a Competitive Eater or Bass Fisherman. Reeves couldn't rebound or block shots and lumbered around the court with the style and grace of an overweight girl on prom night after her 2nd box of wine.

"GET THIS THING OFF ME!"

Season 3: After an uncharacteristically good pick in year 2 the Grizz returned to form and drafted Antonio Daniels with the fourth overall pick in year 3. Daniels, a point guard noted for his inability to pass and shoot, did not make the impact that they had hoped for.

Season 4: Drafted Mike Bibby (another point guard) because Daniels was just balls. That's kinda like going to a restaurant, getting just horrible food poisoning from their chicken, going back 2 days later and ordering the fucking chicken. Bibby was edible, if only because Daniels gave us diarrhea.

Season 5: Speaking of bowel movements, next up was the Steve Francis era. Here's how it went:

Grizzlies GM Stu Jackson: Hey Steve, we're thinking of taking you with the 2nd overall pick.

Steve Francis: Fuck that noise, I aint movin' to Canadia

Teal? Seriously?

Grizzlies GM Stu Jackson: Well we're going to take you anyways, even though you're an undersized, shoot first head-case who is likely to flame out faster than Lance Bass on a gay cruise.

Steve Francis: Well if you draft me, I aint comin'

Grizzlies GM Stu Jackson: That's ok, I’ll just draft you and trade you out of desperation for 4 guys nobody has ever heard of and a couple picks that we'll inevitable fuck up.

The Grizzlies draft pick of Steve Francis was kinda like forcing a girl to go out with you at gunpoint and then being surprised when she doesn't accept your wedding proposal. It was the beginning of the end for the franchise.

Season 6: In their last chance at redemption the Vancouver Grizzlies brain trust (who had neither brains, nor could be trusted) decided to pick a shot-blocker and rebounder from LSU named Stromile Swift.

Yes, you read that right: his name was Stromile.

He averaged 4.9 points / 3.6 rebs and a block a game. Stats that would leave one to believe that Stromile thought the basketballs were orange ghosts and ran away from them.

Biggest Heartbreak: It's tough to break a heart that never started beating. The Grizzlies weren't just a car stuck in neutral; they were up on a lift without an engine.

Next week: Les Expos